Stardust

Hidden Underneath

by Eiluned

Date finished: 27 June 2001

Archive: Please ask first.

Disclaimer: They belong to Marvel, which is really unfair. They like what I do with them a lot more. :)

Rating: Adult

Summary: A Wolverine is not an animal. Wolverine/Jean. Ultimate. 1091 words.

Warnings: Unhealthy amounts of angst. ::eil grabs the keyboard away from Ultimate!WolvieMuse:: Bad language and non-explicit sex.

Notes: Takes place just after Ultimate X-Men #6. For my own evil purposes, I’ve inserted a day or two between the end of that ish and when Logan leaves for Arizona.

Big thanks and whipped-cream Wolvies to my betas, KA, Alex, Mara and Meg. I don’t know what I’d do without you. :)

–

The first time I saw the man behind Wolverine was when I walked in and found him watching the rest of the team goof off outside. He was sitting in a chair, staring out one of the tall windows in a sitting room, watching Bobby conjure snowballs out of thin air and pelt Storm and Beast with them.

He didn’t notice me, so I stood in the doorway and watched him. There was such a look of longing on his face… It was strange to see it.

I can’t deny that I was furious with him. Two days earlier, we had just had the most mind blowing sex I could ever imagine having, and he suddenly confessed that he had been sent to kill the Professor.

Now that I think about it, blasting him into a wall and demolishing the hotel room was probably not the best solution. You don’t always think straight when your heart’s being broken. But just hearing those words coming from his mouth… I was angry and hurt and so very scared. All I could see was the animal.

For the short while that Logan and I were lovers, I never really saw the person underneath the ass-kicker exterior. I guess I never really tried.

I saw it today.

He watched everyone outside with such a wistfulness about him… It broke my heart to see it.

In that moment, I saw the man, the man who was hurting and lonely and didn’t know which way was up. And I wanted nothing more than to take that hurt away.

“Is this why you can’t kill the Professor?” I asked quietly.

He didn’t jump or make any other movement of surprise, and I realized belatedly that he could probably smell me. “Part of it,” he said gruffly, still staring out the window. “You don’t understand what it’s like. I’ve been livin’ an animal’s life. Kill or be killed. I thought those were my only options, but comin’ here… There’s somethin’ else to it. It’s… it’s like a family.”

I felt my throat clench up. “You’ve never had anything like that before.”

He shook his head. “Not that I can remember. Charlie showed me that there was somethin’ more to life than killing.”

Logan turned and looked at me, dark eyes piercing. “And ain’t it just grand that I finally found what I really wanted, and now I have to leave it.”

The words stung. I dropped my head and looked at the carpet, blinking back tears.

“I guess I shoulda fuckin’ expected it. Anytime things get too good to be true, they blow up in my face,” he continued bitterly.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“I’m sure you are,” he snapped.

My nerves were already frayed, and my temper flared. “Pardon me, but what the hell was I supposed to do? ‘By the way, Jean, I came here to kill the Professor…’ How was I supposed to react to that?” I shouted. “How was I supposed to trust you?”

He lifted his chin defiantly. “I thought maybe I’d proved that to you in Croatia. I thought for goddamned sure I proved that to you in Washington. If I was Magneto’s lap dog, why the fuck did I nearly get myself killed tryin’ to protect Charlie?”

I bit my bottom lip, feeling suddenly foolish. It’s funny how clear hindsight can be. “I’m sorry,” I whispered again. “I guess I’m just a stupid kid who can’t get it through her thick skull.”

He just stared at me for a minute, not saying anything. “You’re not a stupid kid,” he said finally, “and I guess we’re both too goddamn stubborn for our own good.”

I couldn’t help smiling at that. “Yeah, I guess so,” I paused, watching him stare out the window again. “So… what happens now?”

He shrugged. “I leave for Arizona in the mornin’. You go back to your life.”

He didn’t say it, but I could hear the silent ‘with Scott’ hanging on the end of it.

“Scott’s my friend, Logan. I’ve never thought about him in any other way. I know how he feels about me, but I don’t feel the same way,” I told him.

He snorted. “Are you tellin’ me that I don’t have anything to worry about?” he said, a bit sarcastically.

“Maybe I am.”

He looked surprised at that. “What are you saying, Jeannie?”

I cracked my knuckles just to release some tension. “I guess… I guess I’m saying that I should have been a little more trusting. And that you should have been a little more open.”

“Me?”

“Yes. I wish I could have seen this side of you earlier.”

He gave me a disbelieving look. “What side is that?”

“The human side. I wish I had seen it earlier. You’re human, just like the rest of us, no matter how hard you try to seem indestructible. You’re hurting. I wish I could make it all go away for you.”

His jaw tightened, and for a moment, I thought he was going to get angry again. Instead, he surprised me completely. He put his face in his hands, and it took me a moment to realize that he was crying. It didn’t escape me, either, that this was probably the first time he’d cried since he was a little boy.

I crossed the room without really noticing, and I slid my arms around him, kneeling in front of his chair. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into the chair with him, pressing his face against my shoulder. It felt good to be in his arms, good to know that I could offer him this little bit of comfort.

He didn’t cry for long, but he kept holding me anyway, and I could feel him drawing all the solace I could give into himself. I shivered when his lips touched my neck, letting my head fall back. He slowly kissed his way up my neck, damp cheek brushing against mine, and kissed my lips so softly that it made me want to cry.

He lowered me to the carpet, and our clothes seemed to melt away under his hands. We made love right there in the sitting room, clinging to each other desperately, climaxing intensely.

“Don’t go,” I whispered as he came down from his orgasm.

He kissed me, running his fingers over my cheeks. “I have to,” he whispered back.

I swallowed hard, nodding. “Then, at least… come back to me.”

“Always.”

Now that I’ve seen what’s hidden underneath, I can wait.

End

Greek Boy
by Eiluned

Disclaimer: Not Mine.

Rating: Work-Safe

Summary: 100 words on the nose. Logan/Remy in an established relationship. ^_^

—

“I had de strangest dream, Logan.”

“Yeah?”

“Oui. We were in ancient Greece.”

Logan snorted into his pillow, and Remy elbowed him. “Shut up. You were a satyr and I was one of dem naked athlete boys. I was running t’rough de forest and you were chasing me.”

“Oh really? Did I catch you?”

“I’m getting dere. So, I’m running but I know dat you’re right behind me. All of de sudden, I trip and fall, and you catch me.”

“And what did I do when I caught you?”

“Should I tell you or show you?” he said, grinning wickedly.

Electrical Storm
by Eiluned

Archive: Please ask first.

Disclaimer: Not mine, but I do wish they were. The title and lyrics belong to U2.

Rating: Adult

Summary: “Jean comes to me when she’s crying.” Ultimate. Wolverine/Jean mentioned, Jean/Scott mentioned. POV, angst, romance.

Notes: This came to me after a long, soul-searching discussion with Deke. The song just happened to be playing when I started writing, and it amazed me how well the lyrics fit with the feeling I wanted with this story. Huge hugs and thanks to Deke for listening to me, laughing at my Muse bonding and beta reading this story.

Feedback is greatly appreciated, especially on this piece.

—
You’re in my mind all of the time
I know that’s not enough
if the sky can crack
there must be some way back
for love and only love
—–

Jean comes to me when she’s crying. Late at night, when she doesn’t want anyone else to know that she breaks down. I don’t know why she comes to me, of all people.

I just know that she cries and my goddamn heart breaks every time.

She sneaks into my room, smelling of tears and misery, and I can’t tell her no. I can never tell her no. I can’t ask why she doesn’t go to Scott instead, because I know that I wouldn’t be able to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

She lets me hold her while she sobs, and I never even know what she’s crying about. I just hold her and thank God, if anything like that exists, that she comes to me. Because I know she trusts me, no matter what she says in the light of day.

I hold her and whisper stupid little nothings. Tell her that everything will be all right. Not to worry. Not to cry. I’ll always be here for her.

She looks up at me with big, wet green eyes, disbelieving. “Why do you let me do this?” she asks every time, her voice broken.

Most of the time, I don’t answer, but one time I told her. “Because I love you.”

A little shudder went through her body, and she left.

But she’s back again every night, sobbing and apologizing, and I hold her. Tell her not to be sorry. And I ask her when she would give up the pretense. She comes to me every night, not him. When will she stop lying to herself and everyone else?

“I don’t know,” is all she says before leaving again.

I lay in my bed, watching lightning streak across the sky, feeling the heat of the storm. I’ve never loved anyone in my life, not that I can remember. I hate to admit it, but I’m afraid of it. I’m afraid of being vulnerable, and this is the most vulnerable I’ve ever been.

When she leaves, I stretch out on my back and breathe her scent in, rub it into my skin. Rip the sheets off of my bed and smell them, holding on to that little bit of her that stays behind. Touch myself and imagine that it’s her hands. Feel her hands on my body again. Imagine her body underneath mine, on top of mine. Come gasping into my own hand, colors bursting behind my eyes, loneliness so sharp that it tears my heart apart. Breathe in what’s left of her.

I wait every night for her to come to my room and cry in my arms. I wait for her to come to me.

End

Blessed
by Eiluned

Date finished: 19 January 2001

Archive: Please ask first.

Disclaimer: Not mine. No money. You can’t prove anything. ::runs::

Rating: Adult

Summary: Logan thanks his lucky stars. Age of Apocalypse setting. Logan/Jean. 409 words.

Notes: This is for F., who asked for an Age of Apocalypse story. Look for some sequels, honey. :) Takes place just before the events of the Weapon X books.

–

Every morning, I wake up with Jeannie in my arms and I thank God, if he exists. I’d be dead right now if I didn’t have her. She is what keeps me alive, keeps me sane, keeps me from turning into the mindless killing machine that I’m supposed to be.

Every night, when we lie down to sleep, I thank the God that might not exist that she didn’t die. I whisper my thanks in my head that we’re still alive and still together. Being able to fall asleep curled up with her is the greatest blessing I could ask for, next to being able to die at her side.

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of dying without her. Every once in a while, when I let my guard down, the fear that she’ll die and leave me alone, or vice versa, reaches up and chokes me. I don’t want to imagine my life without Jean, mostly because I know it wouldn’t be a life. I’d still breathe and sleep and eat, but I would be dead. I’d rather die at her side, holding her hand, reaching out to oblivion together.

She wakes up slowly, a luxury we haven’t been able to afford much lately, and lifts her head from my chest, gazing sleepily at me. “Good morning,” she murmurs, shaking the last bits of sleep off of her mind.

“‘Mornin’, lover,” I reply, pulling her on top of me.

Jean fits perfectly against me, I think, but then she starts kissing me and I can’t think anymore. I can only feel. We make love each time as if it’s our last, reducing each other to flames and ashes. I roll her underneath me and she wraps her long legs around my hips, her fingers locking tight with mine. I slip my other arm underneath her, holding her close to my chest, and enter her smoothly.

I drink every sensation in, memorizing everything: the little gasp and the way her eyes widen when I slide inside her, the bite of her nails into my shoulder, the halo of red hair on the pillow, how her hips move to meet my thrusts, the soft brush of her breasts against my chest, the clench of her muscles around me…

The way her mind flies open when we come together, sucking me in until I can’t tell what’s her and what’s me.

I kiss her and count my blessings.

End

Alone
by Eiluned

Date Finished: 2 December 2002
Archive: Please ask first.
Disclaimer: They all belong to Marvel. Blah blah blah. The lyrics belong to Seether.
Rating: Adult
Summary: “Sometimes it amazes me that I live in a mansion with seven other people. It feels like I’m the only person here most of the time.” Ultimate X-Men. Wolverine/Jean mentioned. 963 words.
Notes: Between the panels set in Ultimate X-Men #15. Inspired by Saron Gas/Seether’s song “Fine Again.”

Feedback would be greatly appreciated. eil.at.phoenixfyre (AT) gmail(DOT)com

Thanks to Blu for the quick beta read. :)

—-

I feel the dream in me expire
and there’s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
’cause I can’t seem to get this through
You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here

—-

Sometimes it amazes me that I live in a mansion with seven other people. It feels like I’m the only person here most of the time.

Okay, maybe not the only person here, but I just feel alone. Everyone else goofs off, talks, does stuff together, and I’m on the outskirts watching.

Watching them play baseball earlier. It was great. Funny, even, but I couldn’t bring myself to walk over there, pick up a bat, and join in.

I guess being alone is my own damn fault. It’s fucking stupid, really. Opened myself up once, got burned. Me, the nasty badass of the team, afraid to get hurt.

I guess that getting hurt like this is different from taking a bullet. I can heal wounds easy. This isn’t so easy.

I wander through the halls, watching them from a distance. Bobby is bothering Hank about something. I can hear them in the kitchen.

“I’m ignoring you,” Hank says.

I glance around the door to see him standing with his hand on the top of Bobby’s head, holding him away.

“Aw, Hank! Why are you ignoring me?” Bobby says with that needling, teasing tone he gets when he’s in the mood to mess with you.

“You have your phasers set on ‘annoy.’”

Chuckling to myself, I head upstairs, nodding to Ororo as she passes me going down. She waves in a wary kind of way and shies to the other side of the staircase. I swear, you’d think I was going to go nuts and kill her the way she acts around me. I can hear music down the hall, coming from Jean’s room.

That annoying, stupid knot is in my stomach again. I can’t believe that I’m afraid to talk to her now.

I guess it’s because I honest-to-god don’t know how to act around her. I don’t know how she wants me to act. I don’t know if she’s still mad, if she’s still hurt, if she’s fine, if she even wants me to talk to her or be in the same damn room with her.

I can’t ever remember a time when I was too nervous to talk to a woman.

I walk past her room, slowing down and looking in. She’s standing in front of her desk in muddy shorts and a tank top, singing along softly. Her hair is sticking out in odd directions thanks to the baseball cap she was wearing earlier. In the mirror beside her desk, I can see the black grease paint smudged under her closed eyes.

She hasn’t realized that I’m here, so I stand back from the door a little and watch her sing to herself.

“And I’m not scared now. I must assure you, you’re never gonna get away. And I’m not scared now. And I’m not scared now.”

I don’t know what to think anymore where Jean’s concerned. She apologized, but what does that mean? Was she just scared because she was stuck in Weapon X? Now that we’re back here, she’s been distant. And no matter how much I try to forget it, I can’t get rid of the anger on her face, the things she said. I don’t know if she meant them or not. I hate this. It makes me want to drink myself into a stupor, and I can’t even do that. Goddamn healing factor.

She opens her eyes suddenly and looks at me in the mirror. Everything seizes up for a second; I can’t move and I can’t look away. There’s something in her eyes, and I damn myself for not being able to read people better. I can’t tell what it is, what she’s feeling.

She bites her bottom lip and looks away. I take my cue and turn around, walk back the way I came, back downstairs. Peter is sitting in the kitchen now. He’s sitting at the table, a cup of coffee beside him, working on something. I pick my jacket up from the back of one of the chairs. “Are you ready to go?” he asks.

I shrug into my jacket, pulling the collar up. “Yeah,” I answer.

Maybe not so alone.

End

Acrobat
by Eiluned

Date finished: 22 October 2001

Archive: Please ask first.

Disclaimer: Belong to Marvel, they do. Making money, I am not.

Rating: Adult

Summary: Pain, pity and vodka. Vignette, Angst, POV (Remy). Remy/Jean, Remy/Rogue. 390 words.

Notes: Takes place around the time that the X-Men were in Russia tracking down the Goth. Playing with other pairings here. ;) The lyrics are off of U2′s album Achtung Baby, hands down one of the angstiest CDs I own. Alex, this didn’t exactly go where I thought it would go, but at least it went. ::grin::

–

To drink the cup
To fill it up
To drink it slow
I can’t let you go
And I must be
An acrobat
To talk like this
And act like that

U2, “Acrobat”

–

Real pathetic, me. Sitting here in some no-name dive in Moscow, drowning myself in vodka as fast as I can order it. It’ll never get me drunk, but it’s good to feel the burn running down my throat. Lets me know I’m still alive.

Have you ever gotten to the point where you don’t know if you’re alive or dead? Ever felt like you’re a zombie, the walking dead? Can’t feel anything but your own hunger, and even then you don’t know what you’re hungry for.

That’s not exactly true, though. I know what I’m hungering for. I can even have it, but that don’t stop me from feeling like a little fucker for wanting or taking it. She’s hurting, just the same way I am. From losing everything you think is real in your life, having it ripped out of you.

‘Get over it,’ my head says. ‘Wasn’t meant to be. Dat girl didn’t care ’bout you for real. Months ago, Rem.’

It ain’t easy to do what your head says when your heart’s screaming something different.

Ask me and I’ll tell you that I haven’t thought about Rogue in months. She’s been the farthest thing from my mind. And know that I’m lying to you through my teeth.

I know damn well that I shouldn’t love her. Too high-maintenance. Knowing don’t mean a whole hell of a lot, though.

So, how did I end up in bed with Jean? I don’t think either of us knows for sure. All I know now is that I want to go back and never leave.

The question I’m asking myself is, was it really Jean that I wanted, or was she just a substitute for a woman I can’t touch? I really don’t know.

She was so beautiful and hurting so much. I wouldn’t have been able to resist it even if I wasn’t an empath. Took her in my arms and gave her everything I had. I knew who I was holding, but I kept seeing someone else in my mind. I know she was imagining someone else, too.

Two poor fools, holding onto each other, pining for lovers they can never have again.

Where do we go from here? I toss back another vodka. Same way we always go. Forward, and try not to look at the past.

End